The Hard Questions
The second full day of our retreat began with the improbability of me pulling the EXACT SAME CARD out of a deck of at least 75 cards in the Oblique Strategies card deck (awesome deck, by the way). My card yesterday and today? “Disconnect from desire.” WTF?? Isn’t that somewhat counterintuitive? Shouldn’t I be connecting with my desires and leaning into the them? According to the universe, perhaps not.
Already a little unnerved by the card, I’m confronted with a set of five questions printed on a large sheet of brown paper that hangs outside the entrance to the lodge where we gather each day. I think the paper had been up the previous day, but for some reason, it was today that I felt like they were meant for me to ask—and answer. You know when people say they feel “seen”? Those questions made me feel called out. Big time (but in a good way, as I later came to realize).
The questions are from one of the books suggested in advance of the retreat, 4,000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. Interestingly enough, that book was also chosen as one of the monthly reads for my photography coaching/mentoring group (I apparently needed not one but two reminders that I needed to read this book).
It was the last one, #5, that especially stung: How would you spend your days differently if you didn’t care so much about seeing your actions reach fruition?
I thought of all the things…everything that would go on a “my ideal day/life” list:
I would walk, draw, paint, write, photograph, create
I would revel in the warmth of family and loved ones, delight in laughter, soak in and soak up every moment
I would stop to notice. Everything.
I would rest. dream. play.
I wouldn’t worry about the “what’s next?”
I would just be.
I scanned the list and realized I was left with an even bigger (and more potent) question:
What is stopping me from spending my days in these ways NOW?
So you know what I did later that day? I rested. I went for a walk, I stopped to notice along the way. I paid attention. I didn’t worry about anything—not work, not the nagging “what’s next,” not travel plans, nothing. I just was. I snapped a few dozen photos, and I would later turn a few of those into art (and no, I’m not predicting the future—I’m just catching up on writing!).
Later, during our afternoon session, we had the chance to experiment with ink dyes made from natural elements. Each of us had been gifted a bottle in our welcome bags, and mine was indigo, which was perfect, as I’m particularly drawn to blues. I had never used natural inks before, and Anna encouraged us to experiment with dropping tiny bits of paint on our papers to see how they’d behave. There were several colors available to use, so we shared and experimented. Oddly enough, there wasn’t a green, so Anna suggested I try mixing my own. I mixed a few droplets of weld (yellow) with my indigo, and voila! A very, very cool shade of green that I absolutely loved.
As Day 2 came to a close after an incredible evening of socializing and enjoying incredible food, I felt both physically rested and a little emotionally exhausted. I was asking myself some hard questions and, harder still, trying to answer them. I might not YET have all the answers, but they’re getting clearer—I just need to let the ink dry a bit more.